Thursday, February 19, 2009

Bad Writing for the Slightly Literate

Jenners is running a tribute game ala the Bulwer-Lytton contest of really really bad writing fame. She even has a button:

(Just click the button to find the rules and the linky to the participants.)

So forthwith and forsooth are some really really bad starts to novels from the minuscule minds of that infamous trio of writers: me, myself, and I.
It was a dark and stormy night, which wasn't all that surprising considering that the last 9,871 nights had been dark and stormy and the forecast was for still more dark and stormy nights, continuing on into the dull and dreary evenings of the future like a foul blot upon the blackness of yet another dark and stormy night.
-- It Was A Dark and Stormy Night: A Tribute to "Paul-Clifford (1830)" by Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (The first novel to begin "It was a dark and stormy night.")

Ned the Vampire had just opened his mouth in preparation for having a little midnight snack before getting on with the evenings festivities when the thought struck him like a blow to the family jewels:  a little mustard would make this one of the tastier bits he had nibbled on in the last ten centuries, ever since he had been caught roasting that pilfered pig on the fen in Scotland by that fancy schmancy Dracula feller - he really must remember to have Igor pack a jar of Grey Poupon in the cape for just such occurrences as this in the future.
--A Vampire's Life for Me: The Adventures of Ned the Pig Man

Suzanne began to feel she might be just a little overdressed for the occasion, her overcoat with it's fleece lining making her feel like the victim of an apache ant mound ceremony in the Arizona summer, her Uggs boots making her feet sweat and emit that certain pungent aroma, and all of it coupled with the floor length wool worsted gown that felt like it weighted a hundred and fifty pounds and was so hot that she was suffering visions of being cooked in Torquemada's iron maiden as it heated over an open fire - why had no one told her that this was a pool party.
--Valley of the Dulls

Danny reminded himself that it was important to concentrate on the task at hand because the detonator was very delicate, subject to going off at the slightest provocation, somewhat like his wife now that he thought about it, at least every four weeks or so, it seemed, and he had to wonder if his wife was somehow involved in these bombings, because after all she did go on a bit about almost every headline in the newspaper, so maybe he ought to write a memo mentioning his suspicions and - Oh Bloody Hell, that was the fifth pair of pliers he'd dropped this week and what in the heck was that darned ticking noise that was so anno....
--The Short Life of Danny, The ADD Bomb Officer

Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind
. -- Rudyard Kipling

ASIDE (Repeat #1): I plan to remove and recreate anew the feed for this site sometime Saturday to try and clear up the reported problems with the site not showing up in dashboard and/or some readers. The problem seems to be related to having two feeds as a result of some template changes a while ago. So on Sunday (or Monday), please resubscribe in your reader after deleting the old subscription and/or if you are a follower, unfollow and then follow again. Hopefully this will clear up all the problems. Thanks.


  1. The vampire book is my next buy :D I really liked the Bomb officer too! This is too great..very funny.

  2. Those are deliciously bad! I love this game! Mine will go up over the weekend, I hope!

  3. Lord Almighty! You have such a talent for this -- and I mean that in the nicest way possible! These were so funny. I think the pool party one is my favorite ... but then again, Ned the Pig Man is pretty darn funny! But then the ADD Bomb Officer is beyond amusing. And I can tell you visited the Bulwer-Lytton site -- what a homage! I'm sure Mr. Bulwer-Lytton is spinning in his grave! Classic! : ) Thanks so much for playing. I'm getting such unbelievable enjoyment from these!

  4. Ooooo, I love the bomb officer. I can only hope that if that were my job, I would be a touch more successful!

  5. Oh my - I loved all of these! Especially the pool party one!

  6. Wonderful entries... all worthy of a prize. I especially like Suzanne in her Ugg boots. Hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!!!

  7. wow!! these are the best I've read so far! very nice!


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